NOTE: SORRY FOR ANY GRAMATICAL ERRORS, ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE IM ITALIAN
Hello there, Newground, so im making this post most as a vent then anything at all since im sure this post won't be seen at all (no one i know is aware of this account)
so i wanna be honest: ive been feeling like shit in these last months, ive constantly been feeling tired and exhausted and i lack the motivation do anything at all even the things i like (drawing and animating for example), i constatly feel like im doing everything wrong, that my works are not good enough that im doing what i do correctly, that i'll never be good enough and other stuff like this!
at this point i feel like im drawing more out of duty or habit instead of actually doing it because i want to!
i only feel geniunly happy in the morning and for the rest of the day i mostly feel tired, annoyed and apathetic, i try to make myself feel butter by going more outside talking to my friends and family and the people i like and while it does work for a while these feelings always come back!
ive also been questioning a lot about my sexuality and religious beliefes in these past months, at this point i dont really know if im straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual but i dont really think im straight at this point, ive also starting to doubt my religion (im christian) i every time my parents talk about god or jesus i just think on how silly and stupid all of that shit sound's!
another thing that has been happening to me is the fact that ive realized that i have and internet addiction, i always passed my free time online and while i there is nothing wrong whit that i relized i should also been spending my time doing also other stuff (watching movies, playing games, doing jogging, reading comics and other stuff like this)
literally my phone screan time before was like 7-8 hours a day and ive finally realized that i need to change, so ive been trying to slow down and do other stuff ( i installed an internet detox app to help me) and now my screan time is only like 1-3 hours (im still working on it but i hope to do better)
is really hard for me to admit this but is true and i need to improve so i can be a more social and present person
i've also been having some very dark Intrusive Thoughts for the past few months stuff that includes me doing very Inappropriate and violent stuff like: Hurting my family, my nephews my friends and myself, i really dont want to think of this stuff because it puts me in distress and is this that hurts me the most: the fact that while i know that i whould never do these type of things i still feel horrible because i fear that one day ive might actually do these things!
i researched online this type of stuff (i know not the smartest idea ever) and they say is something like "OCD" or intrusive thoughts and im honestly so scared bacause people had to live whit this shit for years and i just dont want this, some weeks ago my mom hugged me and i had the though to punch her, and all i wanted to do at that point was to cry, but i didn't, i go to bed every day thinking of how terrible the next day is gonna be and of how much i just want my pain to end, im literally on the verge of crying rn because i just want to feel good again!
i hate everything: i hate my life, i hate my face, i hate these fucking Thoughts, i hate my drawings, i hate having to wake up every day feeling like shit i just can't do this shit anymore I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY AGAIN!
And you wanna know what the worst part is?: is that i have nobody to till this shit about:
- i can't tell my parents because i feel like they won't understand and even critisize me! (they are turning very religiuos in these past months and i honeslty dont like at all)
- i can't tell my siblings bacause im SURE they wont get it and whould surely tell it to our parents
- i can't tell it to my friends because i fear they whould judge me and stop bein my friends
- i can't tell it to my best friend because im sure he whouldnt keep the secret!
- and i can't tell it to my parthner because i dont wanna make him worry about me!
yes i know that the most smart thing to do whould be to go to therapy and all of that stuff but whould it really be worth it?
i already been to therapy in the past because of my disability ( i suffer asperger sindrom ) and it took me years to understand myself and get that there was nothing wrong whit me and i just dont know if i want to suffer all of that for more years to come, ive been also reading a lot of books about this argument and i feel like they could help me a little to understand myself a little but i honestly feel like shit for this past period of time and i dont know what to do!
Anyways thanks to whoever decided to waste hes time reading this stupid rant i hope you enjoyed it, if you have anything usefull to say, please feel free to say it it might be usefull to me at this point and thank you i guess and have a better time then me...
Matteo is out!